Week Three

Short posts are overrated. It's a long one. But a good one. (I hope).

I've been home now for exactly three weeks, and this is truly the first time that I've felt like I could be coherent enough to blog.

Coming back has been terrifying, heart-wrenching, inspiring, difficult, and humbling. The first week, I was at a complete lost--I didn't want to hang out with people, didn't want to talk about my experiences, I simply wanted to be. I wanted to be alone and sort out what was going through my head.

Week two was by far the hardest. I went to school to visit my friends, and it was hard to see how they had changed, how I had changed, and how we meshed differently than we have in the past. I realized how much I had missed out on in their lives, and it was difficult to share my experiences with people who can't fully understand them.

This week has been bearable. I've started to adjust more. I've made plans with friends from both high school and college to hang out and to get back in the swing of things. It's hard going from being busy every single day, having tons to do and little time to do it, having friendships and relationships to maintain, and trying to process it all to coming home to nothing, friendships that need to be rekindled, no job, no school, no nothing. It's hard.

I didn't realize how much I was leaving behind until I came back. Don't get me wrong, I knew I was leaving lots behind. I just didn't realize how much I would miss my life there. I get caught up in the details here, in the complications and requirements, while there I was more care-free and live-by-the-day.

During our trip to Bahía de las Águilas, I journaled one day on the beach. This was during my last week, and I want to share a little bit of my thoughts:

"There have been very few moments in my life where I have felt right where I needed to be doing exactly what I needed to be doing. And then I came here. I've gone back and forth on this since I've been here, but I feel in my heart that this is where I belong. How do you leave that? How do you willingly walk away from a place where you feel absolutely right? I know one thing, you do it with tears in your eyes and a broken heart.

How do you go back to a life that wasn't satisfying, when you've found something incredibly satisfying? How do you return to a comfortable place when you've been constantly challenged for the last four months? There was not a single day here when I woke up and thought "Today is going to be easy". Maybe there were days that were easy in comparison to the days before them, but there was never an easy day like I have at home. How do you return to a life of complacency, of ignorance even, after you see some of the things I've seen here? How do you leave behind people that you've formed bonds with, come to love, and feel like you belong with? How do you leave behind compañeros, who you've struggled with, laughed with, cried with, and learned with? How do you leave behind a place where you learned more about yourself than you ever thought? How can you leave a place where God daily revealed himself to you? How do you go back to searching for beauty when it's been evident in so many people and places for the last four months? How do you leave behind a family that has become your own? How do you return to what you were, taking with you who you are now and continuing that life?"

Although I've found temporary answers to some of these questions, I still go through this struggle every.single.day. And my final conclusion to all of these questions is: I don't know. But I'm finding out.

And on my next to last day, I wrote again:

"Tomorrow is the day that I've both dreaded and feared. In some ways, it's both a blessing and a curse. At the beginning, I counted days. 'I've survived 10 days, I can make it 10 more'. By mid-February, I had stopped counting and starting enjoying. And recently, I've started counting again, but in the other direction.

Before I came here, someone told me that I wouldn't want to go and at the end, I wouldn't want to come home. I cried when they told me I had to go. And I'm crying when they're telling me that I have to leave.

I think about how far I've come in just four short months.

Before coming here, I didn't know what it meant to listen. Learning another language forces you to do that. It forces me to listen to what people are telling me. I've become less reliant on people around me and more reliant on myself. I don't feel like I have to be surrounded by people 24/7, doing nonsense things just to pass the time. I'm content just sitting and being alone and without distractions.

I know that I'm going home a better person. I've learned and lived, but mostly, I've loved. I've tried to take every experience and every opportunity for what it was. I've tried to say "no" and took everything as it came. While I'm not ready to go, I know that in time I'll be okay.

And I know that I'll be back."

I feel like everyone's favorite question to ask me is "How did this change you?". (Everyone's other favorite question is "What did you miss the most?" And the answer to that is Sweet Tea. I mean really, was that even a question?) I feel like the best answer is how DIDN'T this change me. I know that's super vague. But really, I feel different in every aspect of things. I feel like I've really been stripped down to WHO I am during the last four months. I intentionally left home behind..and although that's a hard thing for a lot of my friends to hear, it's the truth. I knew that the drama would be there when I got back. I knew that I wouldn't miss anything of super high importance. I also knew that I would come back and people would love me just like they did before I left. (And they did). For my sake, I had to leave behind the Wofford World. (Or Wofford Bubble as it's affectionately called).

I think more than anything, I'm more aware. Aware of situations going on around me. Aware of how I treat people and how people treat me. Aware of how blessed I truly am. My neighbor remarked to me the other day that knowing me, he knew that my heart bled for every single kid I came across in my community that was less fortunate. More than y'all know. I know I have a big heart, and I have a heart to serve. I've always known this. I just didn't realize how big it was, or how great that desire is to serve. And now I know. I've given the Peace Corps a lot of thought since I've been back, and I've also thought about Doctors Without Borders or Partners in Health in the future. For now though, I'm looking into volunteering somewhere in the area that I can continue to quench my desire to serve. (If you're local and know of a place--let me know!)

Y'all already know that I'm planning on hopping on a plane there the second I walk through the Wofford gates in my cap and gown. (Just kidding, Mom. Kind of). Y'all know that it's all about the people to me. I felt like I was in my campo the whole four months--everyone was that friendly. People accepted me like I was their kids best friend for 18 years--the way that my friends parents accept me here. I was in awe of the people.

And that awe has followed me back home. I have to admit, I was a little surprised when no one yelled "Rubia!" at me when I walked through Target the other day...but I digress. Through Facebook and through email, there have been so many people that have shared a piece of their hearts with me. I absolutely love it. I love that people have reached out to me and thanked me for writing my blog--it reminds me what I loved so much about the country.

But really, I need to thank y'all--all of my readers. Without y'all, I wouldn't be here. I would be writing for my mom and my aunt (love y'all!). I would have given up a long time ago. I hope you've seen that not all Americans are what the movies portray. Through this blog, I've been real--no facades, no expectations, no nothing. I've shared my heart openly and willingly, and truly, I owe all the thanks to y'all.

Because y'all are the best.

For all three of you that still read my blog..

You can look at my pictures from the Dominican Republic in their entirety by stalking my Facebook, because Blogger is just TOO SLOW and I lack the patience to put 2,478 pictures on my blog. That's an exact number.

My Facebook.

If it wants you to add me as a friend, you can add me. I don't bite. (Usually).

Enjoy! :)

On Re-Entry

I never thought that going back into the country where I was born, grew up, and generally happy (before I left it) would be so hard. The Dominican Republic changed me in ways that I couldn't have imagined...some of those changes I can put into words and some of them I cannot.

When I first came to the DR, I was SO shy. If I didn't know how to say something, I didn't. I usually faded into the background. If you know me, you know that I'm not shy, until I meet new people. Imagine me in a new situation--the people are new, the city is new, the country and culture is new--it was basically a disaster. In four months, I've become bold. Not overbearing or demanding, just more sure of how to communicate what I want/need. (I think if I had learned this earlier I would have switched families before I did).

I also realized how complacent I was. I (and the majority of my friends) can dictate my daily routine to you without problems. EVERY day for me is the same--wake up, eat breakfast, class, lunch, lab, dinner, homework, bed. Always. Without fail. I think this is better described as comfortable--and that's a hard thing to admit and to overcome. It's hard to force yourself out of the comfortable and into the unknown, but I did it. Now that I'm back into the comfortable situation that I left, I'm trying to force myself to not fall back into the same routine. I'm trying to find ways to challenge myself. In the DR, every single day held (at least) one challenge. Every day. There was nothing comfortable or familiar about my life there, and at the time I saw it as a challenge or something that was hard for me to get over. Now, all I want to be is challenged.

I was so ignorant, (and still am, in some ways). I look at my perceptions of what the Dominican Republic would hold for me, and I couldn't have been more wrong. I feel more educated, more enlightened. My only problem is how do I tell that to my friends and family? How do I share with them everything I learned and all of the lessons that I learned?

I hate starting every sentence with "When I was in the Dominican Republic..", but I feel like I've been doing a lot of that lately. I've been trying to keep my mind occupied here, and haven't allowed myself much downtime. I found out my first night here that downtime is when the sadness comes. (And it's SO quiet here compared to what I'm used to!) I've surrounded myself with people, and am planning to go back to school tomorrow to see all of my friends.

My only problem now is that I have yet to come up with an answer to, "I'm so glad you're home!" In my heart of hearts, I can't agree. I'm glad to be back with the people I have here, but I feel incomplete and not quite whole.

Back in the States

I made it safely back to the states today. Culture shock has severely set in.
I plan on continuing blogging about my life after the DR and how my experiences there are affecting my life now. Please stay tuned for pictures and more stories!

La Despedida

We spent the last few days in the southwest, in possibly the most beautiful place I have ever been in my life. (I promise that when I'm in the states and have super fast internet that I will post ALL the pictures from Pico Duarte to now). The people here and their hospitality continues to amaze me.

Tonight we had our despedida at Elaine's house with our host families. Tomorrow (friday) is my last day in Santiago. Chris and I are spending the next few days chilling in other places, but I officially leave my family tomorrow.

We had a short moment to say a few words about our families and our experience here..and if you know me at all, you know that I had more tears than I had words. I've never been good at goodbyes.

I don't even know how to go about saying it, but my family here has been my family Dominicana. They're not the people that I live with, the people that feed me, or the ones that tell the taxi that gets lost all too often how to get my to our house. They are my family.

When I finally got it together, I told the story of how I always wanted little sisters. If you know me, you know. If you have a little sister and we grew up together, chances are I went to your house and played with you, but begged to play with her too. If you know me, you know that I have an intense love for little children. You know that I spend my Sundays looking forward to seeing my little cousins after church. Ya tu sabes.

I told the story of how I always wanted little sisters. And finally, I got them. I got two of the most amazing little sisters that exist in the whole world. And how I'm going to miss them.

If I could have found the words, I would have talked about my mom. More of my big sister than my mom, but my mom all the same. She has taught me so much. Even in words she doesn't say, she shows me a wonderful example of what a mom should be. I would talk about the time I told her about the wells we use for water, and how she couldn't believe it. I would talk about when she took me to the emergency room and held my hand through the whole ordeal. I would talk about when she explained to me that being called Americana isn't always an insult. I would talk about when she complained about the gua-guas that go to La Vega and the men that harass to take the gua-gua. I would talk about how I learned, how I loved, and how I'm going to miss her.

If I had another chance, I would talk about playing tag in the parking lot with the neighborhood kids and my sisters, always being the liason between the boys and the girls, because God forbid a boy touch a girl in tag. I would talk about going to pick my sisters up from school, and listening to the other kids ask who I am. I would talk about the pride I feel when my sister valiantly responds, "ELLA ES MI HERMANA AMERICANA" (she's my american sister). I would talk about being greeted at the door when I come home. I would talk about having to go work in my community and my sister begging me not to go. I would talk about the times that she's woken me up to tell me that she loves me or that she's going to miss me. I would talk about the times that she's cried, begging me to stay with her. I would talk about how I learned words that I never thought I would need to know, such as "rainbow" or "bubbles". I would talk about how I learned, how I loved, and how I'm going to miss her.

I would talk about my dad, who's a doctor through and through. I would talk about the time that we watched baseball together, cheering for the Red Sox. I would talk about the times that we spent talking about my investigation and my project. I would talk about the times that we shared stories and awed over the beaches. I would talk about how I learned, how I loved, and how I'm going to miss him.

I would talk how I didn't know what to expect. I would talk about a family that welcomed me with open arms, and loved me, loved me, loved me. I would talk about a family that was there through good and bad, that helped me through it all and showed me what a family is. I would talk about how I learned, how we loved, and how I'm going to miss them.

Oh, how I'm going to miss them.

PROOF

Someone asked me a few weeks ago if they could read my investigation. So, without further ado, here it is in all it's glory:

Los Conocimientos, Actitudes, y Percepciones del Dengue en la Comunidad de Las Colinas, Hato del Yaque

You can't preview it, but you can download it and read it if you wish.

If you can't speak Spanish, sorry. If you can speak Spanish and you find a mistake, sorry.

Enjoy!

On Being Happy

It’s been awhile. In fact, I know it’s been awhile because my program director (Hi, Elaine!) mentioned to me that it’s been awhile. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had nothing to say or because I’ve had a lot to say and no words to say it.

The past two weeks, my parents have been here. We spent time in Santo Domingo, Santiago and Puerto Plata. I enjoyed having them here, but it opened my eyes to so many things about my own culture that I was unaware of—things that sadden me, anger me, upset me—but ultimately, things that make me who I am. Err, who I was.

I had my exit interview with Elaine after my presentation. (That’s right, my work is ALMOST done). I realized that I’m not ready to leave. I’m not close to ready to leave. And that’s upsetting, because as of today, I have exactly two weeks left. I dread every single one of those days. Rather, I dread every single one of those nights, because I know that that day in it’s entirety has ended.

I got a Facebook message today from my dad’s cousin (my second cousin?) that said, “I've looked at some of your pictures on facebook. You look so happy --I guess you had a great time!”

I can’t remember the last time that I was happy like this. That’s not to say that I’m an unhappy person or that I’m unhappy with my life or anything like that.

At school in the states, I often feel like I’m going through the motions. Every single day is the same. Get up, eat breakfast, go to class, eat lunch, squeeze in a quick nap, go to lab/class/afternoon activity, eat dinner, do homework, go to be. Rinse and repeat.

At school here, although I feel like busy work will always be busy work in whatever language it is, I have had projects, presentations, and assignments that have truly interested me, challenged me, and caused me to question everything on a deeper level. It’s no longer, “Okay, I have to do this and this and this and this. I have to put what the teacher wants to hear to get a good grade. After I take this test, I can forget it all”. I don’t know if it’s the subjects or what, but I don’t want to forget the information I’ve learned.

There’s no going through the motions here. For me, there’s no such thing as a “normal” day. Every day is an experience. Everyday is something new. And every day is one more day that I thank God I’ve had the chance to experience. My eyes have been opened to so many things. I’ve formed friendships and relationships that I cannot possibly forget. I’ve found out things about myself that I was unaware of, due to obliviousness or ignorance. I’ve found out more about who I am, what I want to do, where I’m going, and who I want to go with.

I’m so happy here.

And in two short weeks, I have to leave it all behind.